Tag: Integrative Couples Sex Therapy

  • Belonging

    By Prashant Bhatt


    Scenario- A single mother in her forties trying to reconstruct the story of her life without a toxic dynamic with her ex, when she went into emotional relapse after he reneged on child support.


    Goal setting phase: Precontemplation and Contemplation


    In the initial phase of therapy, we went through her story of moving from India to the US, living in a big house, supporting her husband to establish himself in the IT sector, bringing up a son and a daughter, supporting her own and her in-laws’ families,  things started going south.


      After a year of legal wrangling she got a divorce,  moved to Canada. Her first Diwali as a single mom was a moment of realization of her changed circumstances.


    We went through the beginning and course of her relationship with her ex, who is the only intimate partner she has ever had. However, her ex had other intimate partners. 


    On being asked on her family of origin, using the family sculpting technique (describe a dinner in childhood, where family members sat, the talk and tone, interactions and bonding). Given what you know now- how would you rearrange that dinner. 


    This helped reconnect and re-frame some threads of her life. Seeing her life after a quarter century relationship, nurturing the family, immigration, the breakup was cathartic.


    What do I need from therapy


    The Humanistic approach of Carl Rogers believes that every person tries to grow towards light, just as a plant in a basement will move towards sunlight. If one gives the necessary conditions of empathy, unconditional positive regards and genuineness, persons who have never told their story will see areas of growth. 


    To her repeated question of what I need from therapy, I held back and told her I am just a fellow traveler, and she has to make her choices, in her context. 


    I can point out her blind spots, but the choice to work upon them will be hers. Making sense of abuse and neglect and putting one’s life narratives together can be done  by looking at Carl Rogers’s theory of personality in which he states that the organism reacts to the field as it is perceived. For the individual, this perceptual field is reality.


    Dissecting the layers: Tell the story of your life without your Ex. 


    After almost two sessions of listening to her story as she was telling, with only two conditions- 1- she should do her homework 2- she should keep a journal of the story-teller- (how the story is being told by the story teller) I asked her to tell her story without her ex. “Keep him in the parking lot, and let us now see what is in your car, who are your co-passengers, how did you reach here, where are you going, how will you reach there.”

    This was a Pause Moment when she had a loss of words. It was also a moment of realization when she realized that even after a year of divorce there are still unprocessed hurts, unaddressed feelings which are creating raw hurts daily. 


           The concept of re-traumatizing herself was introduced and she started drawing healthier boundaries. The Attachment Trauma model and layers of Belonging and Becoming furthered the therapeutic alliance.


    If you would like to process an issue/ relationship in your life, and get a customized step by step plan of action, you can contact- Prashant Bhatt-6478181385.

    We collaborated using the Integrative Couples and Sex Therapy (ICST) model to explore areas of Passion, Intimacy, Commitment and Kindness.



    Tools- 1- Story and Story of the Story Teller

               2- Parking Lot

               3- Family Sculpting


     Story and Story of the Story Teller

    Story- Revisiting who where when why what how

    Eg- When I first met ….                   Where did we go

                        What shared memories         Who knew then  Who knows now

    Story of the story teller-  How I tell myself this story

     Eg- How does this relate to my character, life, now.

           Am I telling this story from a Victim or Victor point of view or am I detached

           Are there any resentments, hurts, unprocessed feelings which need to be addressed

    Parking Lot 

          Revisiting- who are my fellow travelers

           Review-   If I tell my story without this person, how will it be different

          Practice- Telling the story, while putting that person/event into the Parking lot

        Parking Lot- let me not ride the wave of anger, resentment, desires, clinginess (positive or negative) towards a particular person , circumstance or event, and see how my hour, morning, day, week, become different 

     Keep a Log – using the Parking Lot Tool

      Log when you started getting these persons/events/circumstances out of the Parking Lot and started driving them..

    How did your approach, hour, day, week change

    Discuss

    ….

    Family Sculpting

    Sculpting is imagining each person where they were sitting in a family meal together. What were they saying? How was the atmosphere? What happened six hours before that meal together? 

    If it was an ideal meal, how would the persons sitting interact with each other

    What do I need to do to make a shift from the real to the ideal? How realistic is my plan? Can I do something measurable and meaningful to change the dynamic? For example- we cannot change past hurtful remarks or ignoring of near and dear ones, but one can make living amends and decide to live differently and be present, be calm, relaxed and appreciate and value our current near and dear ones.

    Write a paragraph on this theme and bring to next session

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