Candlestick Massage Therapy

Tag: Anger

  • Belonging

    By Prashant Bhatt

    Scenario- A single mother in her forties trying to reconstruct the story of her life without a toxic dynamic with her ex, when she went into emotional relapse after he reneged on child support.

    Goal setting phase: Precontemplation and Contemplation

    In the initial phase of therapy, we went through her story of moving from India to the US, living in a big house, supporting her husband to establish himself in the IT sector, bringing up two daughters, supporting her own and her in-laws’ families,  things started going south.  After a bitter three years of legal wrangling she finally managed to get a divorce. She moved to Canada and is nurturing her daughters. Her first Diwali as a single mom was a moment of realization of her changed circumstances.

    We went through the beginning and course of her relationship with her ex, who she says is the only intimate partner she has ever had. However, this was not true for her ex, who has had other intimate partners. On being asked on her family of origin, using the family sculpting technique (describe a dinner in your childhood, where were the family members sitting, what were they talking, how were they interacting with each other, and what was the atmosphere like- and given what you know now- how would you rearrange that dinner) she was able to reconnect to threads of her life which had become dormant in the quarter century relationship with her ex, nurturing the family, immigration and the stress of the breakup.

    What do I need from therapy

    The Humanistic approach of Carl Rogers believes that every person tries to grow towards light, just as a plant in a basement will move towards sunlight. If one gives the necessary conditions of empathy, unconditional positive regards and genuineness, persons who have never told their story will see areas of growth. 

    To her repeated question of what I need from therapy, I held back and told her I am just a fellow traveler, and she has to make her choices, in her context. I can point out her blind spots, but the choice to work upon them will be hers. Making sense of abuse and neglect and putting one’s life narratives together can be done  by looking at Carl Rogers’s theory of personality in which he states that the organism reacts to the field as it is perceived. For the individual, this perceptual field is reality.

    Dissecting the layers: Tell the story of your life without your Ex. 

    After almost two sessions of listening to her story as she was telling, with only two conditions- 1- she should do her homework 2- she should keep a journal of the story-teller- (how the story is being told by the story teller) I asked her to tell her story without her ex. “Keep him in the parking lot, and let us now see what is in your car, who are your co-passengers, how did you reach here, where are you going, how will you reach there.”

    This was a Pause Moment when she had a loss of words. It was also a moment of realization when she realized that even over two years of divorce there are still unprocessed hurts, unaddressed feelings which are creating raw hurts daily, and she is re-traumatizing herself. We went into the Attachment Trauma model and are processing different aspects of Belonging and Becoming.

    …

    If you would like to process an issue/ relationship in your life, and get a customized step by step plan of action, you can contact- Prashant Bhatt-6478181385.

    We collaborated using the Integrative Couples and Sex Therapy (ICST) model to explore areas of Passion, Intimacy, Commitment and Kindness.

     

    Tools- 1- Story and Story of the Story Teller

               2- Parking Lot

               3- Family Sculpting

     

     Story and Story of the Story Teller

    Story- Revisiting who where when why what how

    Eg- When I first met ….                   Where did we go

                        What shared memories         Who knew then  Who knows now

    Story of the story teller-  How I tell myself this story

     Eg- How does this relate to my character, life, now.

           Am I telling this story from a Victim or Victor point of view or am I detached

           Are there any resentments, hurts, unprocessed feelings which need to be addressed

     

     

     

     

     

    Parking Lot 

          Revisiting- who are my fellow travelers

           Review-   If I tell my story without this person, how will it be different

          Practice- Telling the story, while putting that person/event into the Parking lot

        Parking Lot- let me not ride the wave of anger, resentment, desires, clinginess (positive or negative) towards a particular person , circumstance or event, and see how my hour, morning, day, week, become different 

     Keep a Log – using the Parking Lot Tool

      Log when you started getting these persons/events/circumstances out of the Parking Lot and started driving them..

    How did your approach, hour, day, week change

    …

    Discuss

    ….

     

     

     

    Family Sculpting

    Sculpting is imagining each person where they were sitting in a family meal together. What were they saying? How was the atmosphere? What happened six hours before that meal together? 

    If it was an ideal meal, how would the persons sitting interact with each other

    What do I need to do to make a shift from the real to the ideal? How realistic is my plan? Can I do something measurable and meaningful to change the dynamic? For example- we cannot change past hurtful remarks or ignoring of near and dear ones, but one can make living amends and decide to live differently and be present, be calm, relaxed and appreciate and value our current near and dear ones.

    Write a paragraph on this theme and bring to next session

  • Dragons and Donkeys: Approaches to Anger

    By Prashant Bhatt

    I make myself rich by making my wants few

             Henry David Thoreau

    Modern man no longer communicates with the madman . . …

      and expels from the memory all those imperfect words, 

    of no fixed syntax, spoken falteringly, in which the exchange, between madness and reason, was carried out. 

    Michel Foucalt, 1961, History of Madness

    In this article we discuss ways in which different approaches can benefit in defining an issue, taking the example of anger. Anger leads to loss of equanimity.       

    The word equanimity comes from Latin roots meaning “even” and “mind”. Holding what passes through your mind in spaciousness to stay in balance, moving beyond the reactive mode is achieved by Equanimity. The chain of expectations, desires, wants, are broken leading to alleviation of suffering. 

    The following are some exercises which I have found useful in moving into Equanimity.

    1-      Write down ways in which one starts becoming less balanced. 

    A written record of the ways in which one starts going into the cycle of expectations, desires, wants, fears, greed, disgust can give a good opening into the habits of the heart and head. One way to sharpen this focus is to read a newspaper/news-site for 15 minutes and keep classifying under the headings of greed, fear, disgust the feelings evoked by the articles.

     2- Developing Borders and Boundaries:  Remembering Spencer (White, 1984; White, 2007)

    Spencer, the young boy who had the issue of soiling was told to characterize in near and particular terms, how this issue is affecting and ruling his life. His parents were told to characterize how this issue rules and ruins their lives. Then Spencer was asked to give a name to this issue of Soiling. He called it Mr.Mischief. They went on to relate to this issue in a particular rather than general manner, and in a near rather than distant way, thus helping define the boundaries and borders of the issue, get a better handle on it and define their relationship to the issue. 

    This example of Spencer, illustrates how to externalize and objectify an issue which is affecting one’s life, and then create a statement of position map, which can help one create a plan and monitor our process.

     

    3-     Creating personal examples : Balance of the Lotus

     

    Eastern traditions see the Lotus flower as an embodiment of purity, enlightenment and rebirth. The balance between beauty and adversity are shown in the growth process of the Lotus, as it emerges above mud and water. It symbolizes  harmonious balance between earthly struggles and divine purity.

     

    Nature walks and creating living symbols of these experiences has been a way to enhance balance in my life.

     

    4- Case Scenario: Anger seen through different counselling approaches (Narrative/CBT)

     

    Mr. S, presents with anger, which has affected his work, relationships, standing in community

    NARRATIVE THERAPY APPROACH

    • Externalize – The history of anger, as if it is a creature outside of oneself waiting to get inside you
    • Therapist Role-is on listening, accepting, non-judgmental, non-confrontational statements..to be like a Junior Partner, Investigative Journalist, 

    CONTRAST WITH CBT APPROACH

     

    BASIC ID-Behaviour- writes angry letters, throws plants 

    Affect                feels humiliated 

    Sensations        pounding heart

    Imagery              sees himself being taken away from grandson

    Cognitions          I am a middle aged man who is being deprived of my rights,

                                 standing in unfair manner

    Interpersonal     angry at wife , sons, in-laws

    Drugs                 takes alcohol to drown the pain

    NARRATIVE THERAPY approach uses interventions like externalizing, metaphors, mapping to develop a near and particular relation with the issue.

    Mr.S went into the history of anger, by asking to see it as a creature outside oneself who is thinking of ways to trick him into losing his calm.  Mr.S told of his early years of immigration from Bombay, India to Canada, how he saw his mother being beaten by his alcoholic father, his being bullied in school. As he became a teenager, he stopped these things as best as he knew.The “Bullied became the Bully”. On being asked to give a name for Mr.Anger he came up with two metaphors. He first called Mr.Anger the “Dragon”. However, on reflection he said, “If I am still riding this creature and getting taken for a ride in my seventh decade of life, then I am riding a Mr.Donkey”.

     

     After establishing rapport, agreeing that anger-related issues are worth exploring and addressing, we set about seeing how Mr.S has constructed his life around anger by

    1- Externalizing anger

    2- Deconstructing anger narratives

    3- Re-authoring personal stories

    4- Exploring values and intentions

    5-Creating alternative responses

     

    1- Externalizing anger

     

           Encouraging Mr.S to treat Mr.Anger as a separate entity or character helped distance himself from anger and view it as something outside of his core identity. Be doing this he gained a new perspective on his anger, started seeing how his life would be without anger and create a map to challenge the dominance of anger in his life.

     

    2- Deconstructing anger

     

             We explored the stories and meanings Mr.S attaches to his anger. Through telling these stories we were able to examine the underlying beliefs, assumptions, and cultural influences that contribute to his anger. For example, as he recalled the weekend discussions which turned into angry arguments in his family of origin, he became more clear about how issues of safety, and the way to deal with un-ease through lashing out or suppressing became a dynamic in his life. This has in different forms played out in his family of creation, and he can now see this pattern even in his interactions with the in-laws of his sons. Deconstruction helped gain insight into the origins and maintenance of anger.

     

    Scripting of the scenarios which continue to trouble him in is life in the present, helped develop alternative interpretations. Through role plays, we started developing better results.We refined these approaches through counselling and keeping an Anger Journal (He called it Riding with Mr.Donkey journal)

    3- Reauthoring personal stories: 

    The scripts made through externalization,deconstruction tools above helped Mr.S gain the power to rewrite his narratives, explore alternative perspectives and be more aware of how his prejudices and projections are affecting his relationships. New stories began to emerge which offered new ways of understanding and creating his experiences.

    Shifting from being defined by anger to seeing himself as capable of change and growth, and being a channel of peace, understanding, and kindness has helped Mr S and his family be very different from where they were a year ago.

    4- Exploring values and intentions: 

    As Mr.S evolved from a “Head over Water” Survival level recovery to a more wholesome bigger version of himself, he began to examine his values and vulnerabilities, intentions and impact regarding anger. As we explored pivotal life moments, the purpose anger has served in his life, he changed his way of looking at his teenage years, and also his work, family and community. This led to a deeper understanding of his emotional experiences.

     This exploration  paved the way for aligning anger with personal values, he rebuilt his relationship with his estranged wife and children, and has started exploring healthier ways of expressing his needs, feelings, situations and story.

    5- Creating alternative responses: 

    The list of alternative responses to Mr.Anger (Dragon/Donkey) helped challenge the dominant narrative that aggressive or destructive behaviours result from anger. He started developing new strategies to harness anger constructively. His strengths, resources, alternative stories enabled him to respond to anger in ways more in life with desired outcomes.

    Key points and summary

     

    Creating balance through understanding the borders and boundaries of an issue helps one come up with creative ways to enhance life. Through keeping a written record of the way issues like anger speak in one’s life, how they disturb equanimity, we saw two different approaches to this issue- a classic Cognitive Behavioural therapy (CBT) approach and a Narrative therapy approach (NT). Creating a positive journal of values, symbols and metaphors (Lotus, dragon, donkey, map, territory, journey) helped co-create better life options. 

     

    Exercise

           Do you have an issue which you need to see through a different lens? Write how it has spoken to you in your life and discuss as appropriate. Alternatively, write a letter to the issue.

     

    References

    White, M. (1984). Pseudo-encopresis: From avalanche to victory, from vicious to virtuous cycles. Family Systems Medicine, 2(2), 150–160. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0091651

     

    White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. WW Norton & Company.

     

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