By Prashant Bhatt
Scenario- A single mother in her forties trying to reconstruct the story of her life without a toxic dynamic with her ex, when she went into emotional relapse after he reneged on child support.
Goal setting phase: Precontemplation and Contemplation
In the initial phase of therapy, we went through her story of moving from India to the US, living in a big house, supporting her husband to establish himself in the IT sector, bringing up two daughters, supporting her own and her in-laws’ families, things started going south. After a bitter three years of legal wrangling she finally managed to get a divorce. She moved to Canada and is nurturing her daughters. Her first Diwali as a single mom was a moment of realization of her changed circumstances.
We went through the beginning and course of her relationship with her ex, who she says is the only intimate partner she has ever had. However, this was not true for her ex, who has had other intimate partners. On being asked on her family of origin, using the family sculpting technique (describe a dinner in your childhood, where were the family members sitting, what were they talking, how were they interacting with each other, and what was the atmosphere like- and given what you know now- how would you rearrange that dinner) she was able to reconnect to threads of her life which had become dormant in the quarter century relationship with her ex, nurturing the family, immigration and the stress of the breakup.
What do I need from therapy
The Humanistic approach of Carl Rogers believes that every person tries to grow towards light, just as a plant in a basement will move towards sunlight. If one gives the necessary conditions of empathy, unconditional positive regards and genuineness, persons who have never told their story will see areas of growth.
To her repeated question of what I need from therapy, I held back and told her I am just a fellow traveler, and she has to make her choices, in her context. I can point out her blind spots, but the choice to work upon them will be hers. Making sense of abuse and neglect and putting one’s life narratives together can be done by looking at Carl Rogers’s theory of personality in which he states that the organism reacts to the field as it is perceived. For the individual, this perceptual field is reality.
Dissecting the layers: Tell the story of your life without your Ex.
After almost two sessions of listening to her story as she was telling, with only two conditions- 1- she should do her homework 2- she should keep a journal of the story-teller- (how the story is being told by the story teller) I asked her to tell her story without her ex. “Keep him in the parking lot, and let us now see what is in your car, who are your co-passengers, how did you reach here, where are you going, how will you reach there.”
This was a Pause Moment when she had a loss of words. It was also a moment of realization when she realized that even over two years of divorce there are still unprocessed hurts, unaddressed feelings which are creating raw hurts daily, and she is re-traumatizing herself. We went into the Attachment Trauma model and are processing different aspects of Belonging and Becoming.
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If you would like to process an issue/ relationship in your life, and get a customized step by step plan of action, you can contact- Prashant Bhatt-6478181385.
We collaborated using the Integrative Couples and Sex Therapy (ICST) model to explore areas of Passion, Intimacy, Commitment and Kindness.
Tools- 1- Story and Story of the Story Teller
2- Parking Lot
3- Family Sculpting
Story and Story of the Story Teller
Story- Revisiting who where when why what how
Eg- When I first met …. Where did we go
What shared memories Who knew then Who knows now
Story of the story teller- How I tell myself this story
Eg- How does this relate to my character, life, now.
Am I telling this story from a Victim or Victor point of view or am I detached
Are there any resentments, hurts, unprocessed feelings which need to be addressed
Parking Lot
Revisiting- who are my fellow travelers
Review- If I tell my story without this person, how will it be different
Practice- Telling the story, while putting that person/event into the Parking lot
Parking Lot- let me not ride the wave of anger, resentment, desires, clinginess (positive or negative) towards a particular person , circumstance or event, and see how my hour, morning, day, week, become different
Keep a Log – using the Parking Lot Tool
Log when you started getting these persons/events/circumstances out of the Parking Lot and started driving them..
How did your approach, hour, day, week change
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Discuss
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Family Sculpting
Sculpting is imagining each person where they were sitting in a family meal together. What were they saying? How was the atmosphere? What happened six hours before that meal together?
If it was an ideal meal, how would the persons sitting interact with each other
What do I need to do to make a shift from the real to the ideal? How realistic is my plan? Can I do something measurable and meaningful to change the dynamic? For example- we cannot change past hurtful remarks or ignoring of near and dear ones, but one can make living amends and decide to live differently and be present, be calm, relaxed and appreciate and value our current near and dear ones.
Write a paragraph on this theme and bring to next session
